I sleep on the top bunk in my room, because it is closest to the window and the ocean breeze brings me relief from the night’s heat. Every morning I wake up to sounds of the shuffle of an old ‘Nam vet’s slippers and the metal tool box drawers scraping. If I open my eyes to look out the window, I see my neighbor Rocky, in the midst of his morning routine….just a little smoke and toke of the pakalolo to ease his mind…it brings me laughter. Which is in fact, a very good way to start my day.
I have also been waking, accutely aware of God’s presence, my heart full of joy, and just simply excited. It’s a nice change. The past few years, the early waking moments had been my least favorite of every day… freezing cold, still tired, still with a headache, and still thinking about everything I had to do.
I wake up excited now… and it’s for nothing in particular. I’m just looking forward to my day… to the act of being….to whatever may come. And as each day ends, I’m content, and still looking forward to what’s ahead. Cause I just never know.
It’s scary and exciting and it’s good to once again be venturing into the unknown. I guess that is just the way of life with Him. I like it.
I’m going back to Maine.
And I don’t want it to be routine. Or too comfortable. Or too depressing. I want to live freely as He’s been teaching me. And with a wildness that I have yet to live. I want to love wildly and freely. And to be able to love all. To give freely – of posessions, of time, of anything, all out of the true and fierce love that is in Him. In me, through Him. Freely. With no expectations. With no hope of anything back, no thought of love returned or gratitude, but just to offer love wherever I can to whoever I can. No fear of vulnerability or pain or rejection or unrequited love.
Perfect love drives out fear. And I can feel that in my heart. I have been able to feel Him slowly, steadily, pushing out the fear and the darkness. Replacing it with the deeply rooted love and light that comes from such intimate relationship with Him.
“I learned to laugh through my tears,
I was born for love, and I’m going to learn to love without fear.” [over the rhine]